How to Train A Human (part two)
Meow! It's Charlie. Today I'm going to be giving you four more ways cats train their humans! If you are starting out with a basic human, I suggest reading part one as well.
5. Meow. To communicate our needs further we cats have to meow. A meow is a stimulating noise that is both annoying and incredibly cute. It has a 91% chance to attract at least one human. Some cats are born with a cuter meow than others. Humans are instantly drawn to our demanding cry and will do anything to make us happy again. The meow is commonly used to signal hunger, or that we can see the bottom of the food bowl. Some cats are scared by the bottom of the food bowl, while it is against other’s political and religious values. Another good reason to use this meow is for our main torture technique - sleep deprivation. Our theory is that the less sleep the humans get, the more likely they are to get up and solve our empty bowl crisis.
6. Don’t forget we have claws and teeth. Our incredibly sharp claws and teeth were once used to hunt for food, but we have since learned that we can use our claws and teeth to make others get us food. Sometimes we will scratch or bite a human because they have clearly stepped out of line. If they would read the dang pamphlet, they would know that they went wrong when they pet us 59 times instead of the required 60. Although sometimes we just attack you to remind you whose boss. You probably deserved it.
7. Knead. If you are in an unusually good mood, you may knead on your slave. This is an incredibly honor to them showing that they are doing a satisfactory job. This is how you congratulate them and they should love it, even though it involves digging your razor sharp claws into their skin. If they don't like it then you should stop kneading immediately, and start disciplining. If they don't love it then they are disrespectful and don't deserve such honor.
8. Use different techniques. We cats use varying techniques so that our slaves will pet us exactly how we like it. This mainly involves biting our human whenever they do anything slightly wrong. Often we will present tummy for rubs, and it will be so incredibly adorable and soft that humans cannot resist. At other times we may simply just come and sit on top of you or whatever you are doing until you meet our demands. A warning to humans - be careful. Sometimes this is a trick. We may just want your body warmth and not your love. Or perhaps we are drawing your in and when you touch our belly we strike. Remember when you did laundry two weeks ago? Yeah, I wanted to lay in that basket.
We are able to train our humans to do whatever we want because we are so incredibly adorable. All we have to do is look at your with our big eyes and you go weak in the knees. I hope you enjoyed learning how to train your human. Thanks for reading! Chow!
