Tricks Cats Use to Train Humans (part one)
Meow! It’s Charlie. If you’re a cat, you probably came here to learn how to train your human. If you’re a human, you probably came here to learn how to stop being your cat’s slave. The truth is - you don’t. You will always be an enslaved human as long as you "own" a pet, so get used to it. We both know that you would rather be a slave then not have a pet.
Look cute. This is the simplest and most effective of all. It is so easy for us to use this trick because we are ALWAYS cute. If you want anything, this will work. The only thing it won’t do is make your human leave you alone. Humans physically cannot resist petting us (unless they are animal haters) and giving us treats, especially if we use “the eyes,” sometimes referred to as “Puss-In-Boots eyes.” We have evolved to be cute for the sole purrpose of attracting slaves.
Stare at them. Intently. Staring at your human giving them the “I hate you” eyes will clearly represent how much you hate your incompetent slave and it will unnerve them. It makes them feel judged, which is exactly what you want.
Give them the “judging you” eyes. You may think “Oh Charlie, isn’t this like number two?” No! It is not! Don’t correct me! If you were such an expert then why are you reading this? Every time your slave makes an unnecessary movement or noise you must use this. The humans rely on us to make them better people.
Purr. This is a noise that signals that they are doing an okay job. Only the greatest humans get this amazing privilege so use it sparingly. A cat purr is the most adorable sound in the universe and humans treasure it greatly.
Thanks for reading! Come back Saturday to find out four more tricks on how to train your slave! Chow!
